Monday, April 25, 2016

Why I Decided to Retire from In 2015

UPDATED: 7/Aug/2016 - Since some of my colleagues accidentally read this page and has been asking about it, after I re-read it, I think it's time for an update on this post. See bottom of this post beginning with the one marked **

I've always wanted to create a blogpost on this topic for the longest time ever but I always end up procrastinating over it because I simply want to end on a positive note with my goodbye post. Time and time again the urge comes up on me to get it off my chest and publish on this blog itself but yet I'm always in constant battle with myself on whether should I do it because there is no way for me to write about it without delving on it negatively. I've been approached by some of my friends who asked me why and never have I been able to answer them honestly because over a face to face interaction, I just simply can't bring myself to tell anyone about it. Now that the readership on this blog has reduced very much significantly and many of my friends had given up on me and left me for good without interacting with me anymore, I think it's way much safer to post this topic here. Before I proceed I must warn everyone:


The reason on why I wanted to stopped blogging on this blog anymore is because I had made plans to commit suicide. Yes. That's the one and only reason for my action. I started off by slowly staving off events around November and December 2014 and come the year 2015, I'm very much convinced that nobody cared for me anymore. There was one that led me to believe that she does but after awhile, it's been proven that she's just being kind to me and never really wanted me to stick around her anyway. So I started off by obtaining the necessary items in order for me to rid myself off in a less torturous manner. Then I started making plans on tying up loose ends by finalizing beneficiaries to all those material things that I own. I wanted to donate my body to medical science but Malaysian hospital policies don't allow bodies that are death by suicide to be accepted so that part about somebody else preparing the funeral arrangements without me being more of a hassle to my family was dashed. However, I did signup to be an organ donor but that is pretty much useless because the organs need to be harvested while it's still fresh and good. Otherwise, it won't do them any good because the tissues of the organs had died and it cannot be used by another person already. The only exception was the skin and the cornea. These are the only 2 things that can be used even though the person is dead for awhile. Next off, I went on to survey the places that I can do my bidding as I don't want to use my own residence which may plummet the value of sale when my sister decides to sell off the property. So all in all, I was very much prepared all the way and the one final thing to do left is to quit my job and after 2 weeks of making sure that there's no one looking for me, I would be good to go.

Before the final phase, I wanted to make absolutely sure without a doubt that this is exactly what I want and not something that is just a spur of the moment out of unstable emotions and that I did it on impulse. After all, that's what most suicide cases derive from. So in order to make absolutely sure without a doubt about it, I look to insurance contracts on suicide clauses. Most insurance contracts will stipulate that the beneficiaries will be paid in full should the contract be made more than one year (or more specifically 12 months) before the suicide death of the policy holder occurred. There are other contracts (mostly overseas) that stipulate 2 years so bearing that in mind, I told myself I'll give myself a 5 years grace period and should there be no improvement on my condition and I still feel the same after 5 years, then it is a blessing for me to do so in order to find peace.

So why did it come to this? Why did I wanna commit suicide? Wasn't life good? Weren't I just partying my nights away and keeping myself busy from the many events I join? Well, to be honest, I really don't know what happen. I felt so mundane and so tired of continuing on with this life, I couldn't find joy in it anymore. All the things I used to love doing and the many hobbies that I desired to embark on, all that excitement had faded away in me and I just felt so disinterested in life in general. Partying seems like a chore, going to events and socializing just scares me and I can't even be sexually active anymore. The only thing that still feels okay to me is meeting with some close friends and hanging out but everyone's just so busy. Nobody seems to ever have the time. Plus, with my condition, I'm just gonna be a Debbie Downer and they're not going to like me around if I'm no fun and all negative. And so, I started off shying away from people and kept to myself so that I don't bother nor become a burden to anyone carefully considering only to join someone should they wanna invite me. If there's an event that's full of people I know, I tend to feel very uncomfortable and scared. I just felt like I wanna hide in a corner and wait for the event to be over. But without socializing with close friends, the desire to rid myself off grow very strong and although most of the time I'm able to distract myself with something to keep my mind off it, sometimes the urge is just too strong and all I can do is to try my best to get home quick and sleep.

Isn't there anything that worked with you and make you feel all better again? Well, sometimes hanging out with close friends do help but like I mentioned, I can't talk about negative things and I don't wanna burden anyone since they're all so busy. And when that's all over with, when the outing comes to an end, I'm back at square one. There was a period of time where I felt normal for awhile and that was because my buddy took the time to hangout with me and spend Christmas and New Year's day with me. During that period, I felt normal for awhile but now the urge to commit suicide has returned despite my best effort to fight it. Sometimes, I don't even know why I should follow my grace period rule when all I'm doing is torturing myself in living through such a suffering moment in time when I'm already so weak in my willpower and my physical stature. But a promise is a promise and I take my promise very seriously. The only time I feel that it's okay to break a promise is when I'm setup for failure whereby the stipulated conditions are impossible to meet and I know it all too well but they forced me to make a promise. But this grace period promise was a promise I made to myself which I feel it's achievable, it's just that it's torturous to do so.

Why aren't you reaching out to people? Well, I did (or at least I think I did). Of course it started off shunning away from any interaction with people then I thought to myself I can't do this. I've gotta let people know how I feel even though I feel worse being much of a burden to people and so I did some postings on my emotions. But I found out that people tend to shy away from such talks more and more and pretty soon, I'm good as being left on my own to deal with it. What's worse is that it looks to me that it affects a lot of people negatively too if I do postings as such and so I decided to go the opposite direction instead and that is to post just food pictures and happy things instead. Fake smiles daily so that people will feel that I'm happy instead of being affected by my unhappiness. I feel this way looks like a better solution as it affects only me and not anyone else. That would surely be a good thing in not being a hassle to people. LOL.

Why aren't you getting professional help? Well, if I can't even open up to people I'm considered close to, how so more on perfect strangers. I can't bring myself to talk so openly about such a topic to strangers. I just don't think I can do so. And even if I did, I don't see the benefit of it because all it's ever gonna accomplish is probably being assess of the situation and let's take for example they assess me at a very critical level, all they can ever do is prescribed medication to me and that's gonna be a cost that I'm not willing to incur for the rest of my life. If you're on anti-depressants, sure you'll feel okay for a moment but once the medication wears off, you're gonna wind up feeling worse than before and harder to fight it. So, I would feel it's best to battle it without medication. Plus I get to save my money too and use it to do other things like giving it to charity, someone who really needs it. You may argue that if I just go on without stopping medication, then I will always feel okay. Well, if that's the case, then I'd rather not continue on with life because a life dependent on medication is not what I want. I don't wanna constantly be throwing my money to these just so I can be further tortured in continuing my life. Plus I'm old now. I've already achieved past halfway the average human lifespan in Malaysia. How old is old enough to die? I think I've already stipulated the correct age. Anything beyond that is just gonna be waiting to die. Why do some old people state that they're just waiting to die? Because they don't possess the energy to accomplish a lot anymore and they also gotta look at their financials as well in order to not run out of money AND be too old to find any. That would just be screwing yourself up.

So there you have it. There's my reason for announcing my retirement. I hope I didn't bring about bad consequences to anyone with this post. If you still read my blog, you can see that I've been reviving this blog a bit. That's because like I mentioned earlier, I kinda felt normal for awhile after spending time with my buddy on Christmas and New Year's day. During that period, some of my friends for some reason decided to reconnect with me and started calling me out. They also did request on me to revive my blog and so I decided to give it a shot. Whatever invitation that still goes my way, I sometimes take it and cover the event. But as you know, since I did announce my retirement from here, the invitations had grinded to almost a complete stop. And I'm a person who's not going to market myself out publicly for invitations anymore because I feel I'm not really qualified to be called a blogger anymore. That's why I don't really join bloggers since they don't really seem to like me being around anymore plus I'm just no fun at parties and stuff anymore so I don't wanna be a Debbie Downer. That way, I would feel much better in not getting in anybody's way nor am I dragging anybody down. I'll see how it goes but that's my plan for the moment.

**UPDATE** After re-reading this post, I think I wanna do a little update on this. I intentionally left out a lot of things but basically, what I mentioned above is STILL my opinion on it and I stand by that opinion and decision. I think it's a fair deal to say that after that stipulated time frame (which is way longer than a lot of suicidal entity can bear) and I still feel the same way, it is actually wise to rid myself but of course, in the most humane way possible.

There is NOTHING to be afraid of as regards to this topic of suicide. Death is very much a part of life and suicide accounts for that too. It's a decision that may very well be debated, but not to firmly oppose as the final decision to me still should be the person himself. And it may seem a very selfish thing to do but believe me, I've done all I can to shun away from hurting anyone and the only people left that I fear that they wouldn't understand and get over it, is my family. Besides, it better to rid myself before I come to a point where I'm a danger to other people and I feel and believe I am heading towards that direction. It's a slow demise and degradation of the mind as I divulge into the eventuality of insanity that could lead to a destructive behavior that endangers others life. In this case, I think it's best that I end my life before I reach that stage where I can no longer control or stop myself and I'm a person who don't want to hurt anybody.

Unless of course I find myself getting better and slowly back to my old self where I can control my every actions and thoughts without losing control but I don't think that's ever gonna happen. Hence the wait and see attitude with the stipulated timeframe. So ya. That's still my thoughts.


Kooi Mei said...

Life is like a graph and there are many ups and downs. I hope this is the temporary stage in life for you. Maybe taking up meditation can provide some relieve. May divine help be with you in times of need. Just take each day as a blessing.

Kelvin -KtheBlogger- Tan said...

Thanks for reading and thanks for your suggestion. :)