Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Increasing Boredom Theory

Without noticing the changing of my own personality, I was given a rude awakening by my fellow colleague when one day he declared, "Will you please stop being so cool and start smiling a bit now?" It then finally occurred to me. The past few events and environmental changes that bit by bit rubbed on to me has grown into proportions unaware to me.

I can remember when I first started working in the company, I was known to be always smiling and people would tend to smile back at you even though they feel kinda creepy by my facial expression. A friend of mine even once said that I'm always smiling stupidly no matter what. Sometimes I even get some people questioning me out of the blue "What is so funny?" However, as mentioned before, things turned out differently that led to my personality change.

I think it all started with my mundaneness feeling of going through the same routine day by day, be it work-wise or religious-wise. Doing the same thing week after week, month after month, grew a wearisome feeling in me. Everyday at the same time, get up, go to work and if it's a night where my Christian meetings are on, come back home, if there's time, eat dinner, then proceed to Christian meetings, carry out duties, and by the time I arrived back home it would be time to go to bed and repeat the cycle again. Not even the little perks in life where people tend to find it enjoyable can save me from such death by boredom. Occasionally, I do get days off work, I do get out of the office to go laze around other places and I do go out and have dinners with friends but pretty soon I find myself back at square one again. A lot of people now has written me off as anti-social due to the fact that I started distancing myself from their social gatherings, but then again I do it because I feel there's not a tinge of fun that would engulf me whether I go or not based on experience. I did once plan social gatherings but a lot of times I ended up feeling that I shouldn't have done so in the first place.

Another factor that could have influence me this way was the going away of one of my housemate. Ever since he left back for his home country I kinda miss having him around helping out in the house.

I guess, another thing of influence to me was getting too much into the Suzumiya Haruhi storyline. It all started with the watching of the anime, 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi', a.k.a 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'. After watching the anime I had the greatest urge to find out more on the storyline and thus has been reading the translated version of the novel book after book everyday without fail. I was very intrigued with it's way of writing for it's very captivating. And the storyline, although it's a very absurd storyline but nonetheless kept me faithfully following along on what was to happen next and what will be thought up further by the author. I would somewhat say that the captivating factor was not the storyline, but rather, it's interesting setup along with it's theories. It keeps me thinking and pondering over the possibilities. Why is it related to my boredom with this seemingly contradictory portion? Well, I somehow must have gotten too engrossed with the world of Suzumiya Haruhi and partially had the characters' personality that matches mine heightening my already existing ones. Suzumiya Haruhi always had a scowl on her face and so do I now. Suzumiya Haruhi is constantly bored with the world and so did I. Nagato Yuki had no expression whatsoever and might probably harbor it inside and so am I now, devoid of emotions from the looks of it outside.

This never ending depressing state acquires the better part of me but recently I have seemed to have changed again to a sometimes-smiling individual. Maybe the biggest factor is Suzumiya Haruhi since I have not read the novels in a while.