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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Moving On With Life

The restructuring of my current place of work organization chart has finally started to be implemented. After much negotiation with the Deputy Plant Manager, I have managed to convince him in letting me stay at my current work area instead of moving to a 'gullible' area. I've also managed to help one of my colleague in my department to stay at his current work area. However, my immediate superior could not be saved as his job function will be totally different from now on. I now report to a different immediate superior and also the person above him.

I however, will secretly still report to my director as I still see the need to help him out. I'm also more comfortable reporting to him.

Disgruntled with this stupid restructuring exercise, I've exerted a certain amount of aloofness which could warrant a warning letter from the HR department. But so far, it has still been ok. No warning letter in sight....yet. Things that I have done that could get me in trouble would be taking long breaks in the morning, during my lunch, and my tea break which far exceeds the time I'm suppose to take. Going home early. Taking the back door way to get things done my way by talking to higher management in granting my requests instead of going through proper channels.

Because of the frequency of my interaction with higher management lately, I've been getting first hand news about the company before it was even announced to the whole company itself!!!
I don't even need to see the announcement on these things (which by the way was usually never announced to me anyway) and yet I've already known what has been or going to be announced.

My plans to quit the company seems bleak at the moment as I've encountered financial problems due to taking up part time studies which I finance myself. This has resulted in a delay for me to quit my job as I still need to accumulate my resources so that I can be without a job for at least a year.

The difficulty of coping with my crush with an ex-colleague is still ongoing. I tend to mix around alot with my friends and speak alot to get my mind off her. But it still seems pretty difficult to forget about her. Oh, well. That's life for me. Still trying hard to move on and get on with my life.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Get Ready For Me A StraitJacket

I have lost all sense of rational thinking. I can hardly control myself anymore. On the Thursday before, a colleague of mine decided to say goodbye through MSN after lunch. Early goodbye she said. Afraid she's busy the next day she said. That's when I did the unthinkable. I confessed to her that I have a crush on her. I expected a negative response from her, just unsure of what she would say. The reply came and it was time to move on.

Friday came with me being hyper busy. Already applied for half a day leave, but the whole morning was really packed with me rushing work and attending my department weekly meeting. Strange enough, the meeting was longer than usual. Hence, my plan to leave earlier off work was later than expected. Before I left, my itchy heart just couldn't leave my mind alone which made me message the one I had a crush on another goodbye note. Thought that would be the end. Thought there she goes and I would never be able to see her anymore.

Saturday night came and I attended a colleague's wedding dinner. There was also another wedding dinner that was done by my ex-colleague which I thought 'the one I had a crush on' would attend. To my surprise, she came to the one I attended but sat in the other table. I got really emotional and couldn't help myself. Guess due to the tiredness, alcohol got the better of me where I vomited.

After the wedding dinner, they wanted to go for 2nd round for a karaoke session. Unable to help myself (because she too was going), I too decided to go.

My whole world just crashed that night because when I got home, I message her with my 2nd confession again. As expected, there came no reply. Thought the alcohol would help me sleep but in the end it was one of the most miserable night in my life. I laid in bed with a headache, tried to sleep but couldn't. And so I just manage to lie in bed the whole night, awake. Unfortunately for me, I had to get up the next morning early to be the driver for my friends to get them to a Christian assembly. I only manage to get to bed again at 6 pm. It was by far the worse feeling of tiredness I have ever felt.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Looks Like The Time Is Near

The time is near for:
1) A certain someone to leave the company (Friday to be exact)
2) The relocation of me and my supervisor to another department
3) The closure of my current department
4) The bankruptcy of my company (Just isn't coming soon enough)

Oh, I've given a lovely two cup chalice from Royal Selangor Pewter to the 'Angel'.
Hope she liked it. Rushing for home now. Weee......

Thursday, October 25, 2007

There's An Angel On My MSN

And what an Angel she was and is.

You see, I finally mustered up the courage to be able to add this individual into my MSN messenger. However, I've only chatted with her once online, really afraid of being too much of an annoyance to her, since she occasionally shows it through her body language. I wonder does she even notice this since she always try to be super nice.

Anyway, she's gonna leave the company soon and I should bid her farewell soon.

Went to 1 Utama yesterday night to look around some more for gift ideas. The previous time I went looking for gift ideas for a present for her was the day after I came back from my hometown which was still a day of holiday for me. I went over to KLCC that day to look for something special.

Some people would think I must be crazy putting so much time and effort in getting a gift. But being the perfectionist I always was, I still couldn't get rid of some of my perfectionist trait like this one. Why I spend so much time and effort in getting a gift is because I wanted to give a gift that is special, that is unique, but at the same time practical or useful for the intended receiver. I don't feel like giving a common gift where people usually give such as a pen, or soft toy (although this is really a good gift, but it must be cute enough plus it should be a person who like those kinda things), but something unique, but at the same time it can be useful. The problem with me is I also do not like to reuse my gift idea too much as this dilute the feel of specialty towards the item from my point of view.

So far, I've started from giving pen that has the name of the recipient or a message carved on it, then there was a time I gave out a mug, then there was a time I gave a photo frame, but just recently, I discovered an ugly truth, gift/souvenir stores does not contain gifts that are unique or nice enough to give. Also, they charge at such an exorbitant rate. The last gift that I gave left me feeling really proud of making that decision. It was a crystal candy dish. The gift was unique enough, yet at the same time, it looks really beautiful and yet it's useful should you decided to not make it just as a decor piece.

So far, the best candidate for a present I saw was two chalice cups at the Selangor Royal Pewter which comes with a case. But I still feel that it couldn't beat the crystal candy dish gift idea. I'll be continuing in scouting out for a really unique gift. If none can be found, I guess I'll go for something at the Selangor Royal Pewter or back to a crystal gift.

The deadline for giving the gift has already been set in my mind. It will be....November 1st!!! Really wanted to treat her to dinner too, but afraid of the ridicule of colleagues saying why I never treat the person who's in my own department that left. I just don't know what to do.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Will A Crumbling Empire Survive?

Since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened in my life. A few things would have people categorizing it as life changing decisions and experiences. These include purchasing a condominium, masses of friends and colleagues leaving which may result in not being able to see them again, taking on part time studies with my packed schedule of having a full time job and a part time job along with my Christian activities, and me feverishly looking for a new job.

It's gonna be a year since I've worked here come October 30, 2007. From a quiet fool with no confidence in whatever I do, this job with it's responsibility and environment has molded me into a person who is brimming with confidence in every statement I make, speaks out at any opportunity I get, be a conversation starter (but not actively participating in it), and manage to see a brighter side of life for a glimpse of time.

Despite all that one year of life in this company, I would say, I am back to where I started all over again. Many a times, I revert back to my old introvert self again. I keep looking at the gloomy side of life and at times I just feel like cutting myself off from the world so that they would not be poisoned by my negative thinking.

I am once again looking for a job and a place where I can truly belong. I really have no idea how I feel because a part of me is sad at the current condition I'm in, while the other says good job on what you've accomplished through life and in the end, I just feel confused over my emotions.

The battle against suicide has receded to a level that is low which is good. Probably because of my busy schedule that I imposed upon myself in order not to have too much time to think about myself.

I guess, what I really wanna say is I really have no idea what my feelings really are at the moment. I'm taking a day at a time. When I look back the past year, a part of me cries, while a part of me is proud of the achievement accomplished. No matter what, I'm going for another life-changing decision, looking for a new job.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Challenges At Work

It's amazing when I first started this job I was wondering whether I could keep it but now feel like I wanna quit and work in another place. This place of work isn't bad work environment-wise, however I do feel that they lack planning that could sustain the company. In fact, I feel that they like to spend their finances on non-essential things more than what is necessary.

It's amusing that I face these few challenges that I never need to face throughout my working life before:

1) Eating in the cafeteria!
Yes, interesting enough, eating in the cafeteria is my biggest challenge in the company!!! Performing my work/job task is one of the most simplest thing for me to do working in this company. They have yet to ask me to do something I do not know how to do, and even if there are, with just a little bit more perseverance I can find out the answer on how to do the work and do it well.

Why is eating in the cafeteria a challenge? Well, for starters, I am so used to eating my lunch at 12pm, I just seem like one of the oddest person of them all. The biasness in the company is major, if you're a Chinese, you eat with the Chinese, and if you're a Malay, you eat with the Malays. If you're a Chinese, you're expected to speak Chinese, otherwise you'll be an outcast.

Anyway, back to the line of thought. So I always eat at 12pm, but the operators all start going for lunch at 12pm which causes congestion. So I decided to go for lunch at 11.55am, just to beat the crowd going to the cafeteria to get a seat. Here's the problem, I'm neither here nor there. The Chinese take their lunch at the cafeteria, at 11 something. Usually they occupy 1 and a half table or two.But because I'm Chinese, I face a dilemma here. Sometimes, there's empty seat in one of the tables. So, should I sit at the empty seat or not? If I seat at another table all by myself, everyone thinks I'm a snob, a real stuck-up guy. But if I sit with them, then I would impose on them the courtesy to wait till I finish my lunch (god knows who on earth started this kinda ruling upon them). I still haven't decided on this matter. Sometimes I sit with them and sometimes I don't. It depends on whether I feel like it or not. More often than not, I wouldn't sit with them. And they've already gotten the idea should I sit with them that if they all have finished their lunch and decided to leave, they may do so, even if it makes me feel awkward (which I don't know why I should, since I've never had this problem before until now). This weird phenomena has left me to speed up my eating during lunch time again. I even clocked a record time of eating in 8 minutes before! The previous record that I have was during my first job, which was 10 minutes.

Hmm....lost my train of thought on what other weird challenges at work that I face at the moment. Must be the lunch kicking in, making me feel sleepy. Oh well, I'll post again once my thought comes back. Guess these weird challenges, although is really challenging, but not very severe after all.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Quest For Beautiful Seed

Corrinne May, my favorite artiste, has released her much-anticipated new album entitled 'Beautiful Seed'. A pity it's still not available to order from her pinkarmchair.com website yet. I doubt I could get the album at all in Malaysian shores but according to my friend, he said he saw the 2nd album, 'Safe In A Crazy World' widely available in some stores in Malaysia. So far, with all the browsing around the Malaysian stores that I've done, I've still yet to find a store that sells Corrinne May's album.

Embarrassingly, I have still yet to hear a song from the album at all even though it's now available in stores in Singapore, plus Corrinne giving a preview of some songs in some of her performances.

I do hope that Corrinne will quickly make it available to order from pinkarmchair.com, I'm dying to hear the new album.

Monday, August 06, 2007

A Day of Despair for Me

Came to work this Monday morning with the overwhelming feeling of tiredness. Couldn't concentrate on much as my attention just drifted from one thing to another in almost an instant. More often than not, I find myself lost in my thoughts and daydreams as I carry on my routined life. After a chat with my ever-busy pretty colleague, I drifted towards downstairs to my morning cup of beverage again. Breakfast was a blur and before I knew it, 2 hours had past. As I was heading towards the door out of my department, the phone rang. Since I was the only one in the room at that particular moment, I picked up the phone and answered. Turns out it was for me for my claims.

Like a will-o-the-wisp, I faded towards upstairs again in claiming my money. After that, I stopped awhile to read the morning papers and that's when I was badly hit. No, I wasn't physically hit, but rather, emotionally. The horrid news plastering the few front pages in the morning paper gave me a rather depressing mood in my already vulnerable state.

Since that time in the morning, I wasn't merely tired from an illusionary physical standpoint, but was further tired in a depressing state. If possible, I just wouldn't wanna budge from wherever I am and try to be as inactive as I possibly could.

The feeling of suicidal, homicidal, depression, and tiredness all mixed up inside me was so great today, that I fail to move myself to take my awful free lunch at the cafeteria. Not as if anybody cares. The gruesome depression further intensifies when I read about the ugly truth on nursery rhymes. Some nursery rhymes were designed in remembrance of an event in history which sometimes is quite a cruel truth in which children were never to know of.

Happily not all nursery rhymes are that way, as some are just plain good poems which helps me to appreciate the simplicity in constructing such rhymes. One glimmer of comfort surprisingly came from a very well known nursery rhyme, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." Unlike the short version I knew by heart, the original version simply portrays the splendor of the poem and not some childish nursery rhyme. Here's the full version of it:

Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are?
Up above the world so high , like a diamond in the sky
When the blazing sun is gone, when he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light, twinkle, twinkle all the night.
Then the traveler in the dark, thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go, if you did not twinkle so.
In the dark blue sky you keep, and often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye, 'till the sun is in the sky.
As your bright and tiny spark lights the traveler in the dark,
Though I know not what you are - twinkle, twinkle little star.

Interestingly, this made my mind playback to the soothing sounds of Corrinne May's song in my head, 'Fall to Fly', as I drift off dozing off, on and off, as this song continues to play in my head, calming my emotions.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Back To Where I Started

The 3 days Christian Convention that I attended has finally ended. My escapade of rushing to finish my work as well as the three days holiday that I took off from work finally ended. What a week it was. It started out on a Monday where I went out from my company after an almost half day at work to get things for my company. And that's the end of my Monday! Tuesday came with me bringing in the new products that I've purchased for the company and started meddling with it straight away in addition to rushing my other work that was still pending to be finished off. On that day, my colleagues have organized a farewell for one of my company staff too but I declined their offer to joined them due to wanting to finish my job before my holiday which starts on Wednesday, the next day. To my surprise, I manage to finish way ahead of time but later on did more testing on the new products in order to get more results. In the end, I ended up working longer than my usual working hours and rushing away to reach home as soon as possible to get to my Christian meetings on that day.

The holiday that came the next day, really got me tied down doing all my errands without my car as I've sent it to the workshop for some tune-up before I start on my long journey down towards Malacca.

All was well the next few days, since there were no hiccups, everything went according to plan from the smooth journey down to Malacca to the coming back again from Malacca.
Here's the weird thing that happen during me being in Malacca. A colleague of mine called me and asked me, "So how's the job there?" And I replied, "What job?" Turns out, they thought I left to try out another job to see whether I liked it or not. After explaining of my disappearance, my colleague whose from Malacca, decided to take me out for a meal when he comes back to Malacca during the weekend. But that's when I felt so strange. I later did went for a meal with him on Saturday, but upon waiting for him at the hotel where my Christian Convention was held, I saw a few of my Christian friends waiting around. And so I got to chatting with them. It turns out that they were gonna go out to 'yum cha.' I didn't feel anything until everything was over, until the dinner (supper for me) with my colleague was over.

I got back to my hotel where one of my friend who decided to move-in to my room since I was staying alone asked me, "So you had fun, huh?" I didn't tell him the truth. Inside of me was wondering, I'm always encouraged to join my Christian friends but why is it that no one is able to join me when I wanna go out? Although I did enjoy going out with my colleague, but the truth is, why can't I enjoy the same way with my Christian friends? Anyway, I dunno how to put my feelings down into words. This is a really strange feeling that I'm neither happy nor sad, just finding it odd to be in such a situation.

Anyway, ignore the last two paragraphs.

So I came back tired and all with the need to go to work this morning. Funny to note, that I was much busier at the Christian Convention than at work.

So this morning started off great. Somehow I was off to a cheery start, eager to see some of my colleagues again. I passed out gifts that I bought for a few individuals and was still cheery, until 9.30 in the morning. Gloominess started to beset me again. The cause, somebody was in a foul mood and I was at the receiving end of it. I intended to give a present to the person but after receiving blunt remarks from that person, I started to drift off into my glum mode again and decided to keep the gift. And so it lasted until now. The gloominess still hovering over me as I typed in these words. Course I know, the rain did play a part in it but I don't mind the rain. It's such a soothing phenomenon for me.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Off To A Flying Start

He's left. He's finally left. Who? One of my housemate. He's finally left for Canada to further his studies.

It all began on the night of July 15, 2007. I was made the chauffeur to drive him and whoever is on tow to the airport and see him off for good. Somewhat thrill that he's finally leaving, we arrived at the airport around 11.45pm where his flight would be at 1 am. So far so good, car didn't stall, no accidents, we made it to the airport safe and sound along with his luggages. After parking my car and manage to find them at the flight check-in counter, I joined in to know more about his check-in information.

At first, there was the 'It's too heavy,' statement "You'll have to lighten the load to the specific limit weight." And so there he was, emptying as much as he can, (surprised that he intended to put his laptop in the luggage he was gonna check-in) until he reached the allowed limit. And then came the occasional clicking of the tongue of the check-in officer. That's when I started to worry. It turns out that he wasn't able to go after all since his luggage can't go all the way straight to Canada. It seems that the connecting flight to Shanghai does not allow this whereas the flight to Beijing would be possible. That would mean that he would have to obtain a Chinese visa, get out at Shanghai to claim his baggage, and then recheck-in his luggage again.

So to my dismay, after having my supper I had to take him home again. The next day, tired from the journey and all, I received his call stating that he's gonna go again today having his Chinese visa this time around. And so after a day of total discomfort at the office due to a lack of sleep, I again had to ferry him to the airport again that night. (I wonder why he can't ask the other housemate of mine to take him there.)

This time around, upon reaching the highway, I sped all the way to the airport going no less than a 120km/hour which is 10km/hour above the speed limit and often seeing my speedometer leveling at the 130km/hour mark. I was driving like this because of the sleepiness I felt before starting the journey and this seems to be the only way I can keep alert. We arrived at the airport in my record time (20 minutes, usually it takes up to 45 minutes) and this time around I prayed that he's really leaving for good.

Good thing everything went according to plan and after I finished my supper at the airport, I announce of my desire to depart for home. Reluctantly, those on tow said their goodbyes and off we go to a speedy ride home again. The ride home this time was longer than the previous night since I had to stop for petrol along the way home but nonetheless it was an enjoyable drive home. At this point I wish I hadn't crashed my car before because I couldn't go beyond the 130km/hour since it was already really unstable at 120km/hour. I remembered before the crash, my car only became unstable upon reaching 140km/hour. It was quite a smooth drive even after it reached 130km/hour. What a waste. However, the engine is still in good condition that's why I can still manage to go that fast. Maybe the next service I'll change the engine mount and see whether the stability of the car improves.

After such a gruesome experience, it took it's toll on me the next day at work. I started to doze off every hour from the time I started work, till it's time to leave. In the end, I slept through the whole night until morning.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Increasing Boredom Theory

Without noticing the changing of my own personality, I was given a rude awakening by my fellow colleague when one day he declared, "Will you please stop being so cool and start smiling a bit now?" It then finally occurred to me. The past few events and environmental changes that bit by bit rubbed on to me has grown into proportions unaware to me.

I can remember when I first started working in the company, I was known to be always smiling and people would tend to smile back at you even though they feel kinda creepy by my facial expression. A friend of mine even once said that I'm always smiling stupidly no matter what. Sometimes I even get some people questioning me out of the blue "What is so funny?" However, as mentioned before, things turned out differently that led to my personality change.

I think it all started with my mundaneness feeling of going through the same routine day by day, be it work-wise or religious-wise. Doing the same thing week after week, month after month, grew a wearisome feeling in me. Everyday at the same time, get up, go to work and if it's a night where my Christian meetings are on, come back home, if there's time, eat dinner, then proceed to Christian meetings, carry out duties, and by the time I arrived back home it would be time to go to bed and repeat the cycle again. Not even the little perks in life where people tend to find it enjoyable can save me from such death by boredom. Occasionally, I do get days off work, I do get out of the office to go laze around other places and I do go out and have dinners with friends but pretty soon I find myself back at square one again. A lot of people now has written me off as anti-social due to the fact that I started distancing myself from their social gatherings, but then again I do it because I feel there's not a tinge of fun that would engulf me whether I go or not based on experience. I did once plan social gatherings but a lot of times I ended up feeling that I shouldn't have done so in the first place.

Another factor that could have influence me this way was the going away of one of my housemate. Ever since he left back for his home country I kinda miss having him around helping out in the house.

I guess, another thing of influence to me was getting too much into the Suzumiya Haruhi storyline. It all started with the watching of the anime, 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi', a.k.a 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'. After watching the anime I had the greatest urge to find out more on the storyline and thus has been reading the translated version of the novel book after book everyday without fail. I was very intrigued with it's way of writing for it's very captivating. And the storyline, although it's a very absurd storyline but nonetheless kept me faithfully following along on what was to happen next and what will be thought up further by the author. I would somewhat say that the captivating factor was not the storyline, but rather, it's interesting setup along with it's theories. It keeps me thinking and pondering over the possibilities. Why is it related to my boredom with this seemingly contradictory portion? Well, I somehow must have gotten too engrossed with the world of Suzumiya Haruhi and partially had the characters' personality that matches mine heightening my already existing ones. Suzumiya Haruhi always had a scowl on her face and so do I now. Suzumiya Haruhi is constantly bored with the world and so did I. Nagato Yuki had no expression whatsoever and might probably harbor it inside and so am I now, devoid of emotions from the looks of it outside.

This never ending depressing state acquires the better part of me but recently I have seemed to have changed again to a sometimes-smiling individual. Maybe the biggest factor is Suzumiya Haruhi since I have not read the novels in a while.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

NEPCON Outing

"Nep...comp?" Was my question sporting a surprised look on my half-awaken face.

It was a Thursday morning. As usual I went to the cafeteria at my company to sip away my cup of coffee which nearly never energize me. My supervisor was already seated at one of the tables in the cafeteria alongside with 2 of my other colleagues. Suddenly, he popped the question to me, "Hey, do you wanna go to NEPCON?" he prompted. And that was when I respond with the above counter-question. Seeing my confused yet sleepy looks, he further goes on "It's an exhibition at KLCC convention centre." Oh, yeah, that's a really helpful explanation, I thought to myself. But I nodded my head in agreement without hesitation since I thought to myself anything to get out of this god-forsaken mundane routine.

Having no knowledge of whatsoever I was agreeing to, I did a quick research of what NEPCON is. I soon found out that it was a microelectronics convention that is held annually whereby people showcase their latest machines that helps out with the production of microelectronic devices plus any materials that are relevant to the manufacturing of microelectronics material. Well, it is an interesting event to further my knowledge on the microelectronic industry and thus set out with two other colleagues of mine along with their superior.

After the arduous journey of being driven around in the busy streets, we finally arrived at our destination. Unexpectedly, it was quite an interesting experience to look at the many different machinery and devices. My 2 colleagues' superior went around in such a haste that he finished looking at everything within 30 minutes. I followed around the other two who stopped by at almost every booth and studied on whatever they had to offer in an investigative manner.

2 hours later, the superior (whose also known as the manager) was shocked to find us merely halfway through the whole exhibition whilst he had already finished viewing aeons ago in addition to filling his stomach. He hurried us to finish off, and within an hour later, we finally rushed through the rest of the booths and proceeded to rejoin the manager who was waiting outside. We soon went for our lunch with the superior on tow and finished everything including arriving back at the office at around 3.30pm.

I must say it was somewhat an eye opener for me plus it makes me a little more knowledgeable in the microelectronics industry. If I ever wanna start my own business, I'll know where to look for the necessary equipment. Now, let's see if I get to go next year.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Rain Another Day

How I do love the morning rain. The gentle sound of showers hitting the roof making a melancholic sound soothes my soul. The pitter and patter of the raindrops colliding with the glass window sets the mood to slumber. How I do love the morning rain.

It's been raining on mornings for the past four days and I'm enjoying every moment of it. It saddens me but also enjoying it, wishing I was able to watch the trickle of rain falling and appeasing me as it drops to the ground, forming puddles of water from a spot here and there. Wish that it would continue to rain on mornings for a long long time. How I do love the morning rain.

It started on a Monday. Two of my colleagues were absent. One was on sick leave while the other just didn't show up and started to take emergency leave for that day. The second day was raining quite heavily without the drama of thunders and lightnings, another morning shower and I showed up for work, sick. Wondering whether the previous night had I manage to acquire some sleep. I had bouts and flashes of thoughts appearing occasionally during the previous nights and I couldn't distinguish that whether it's a dream or my thoughts. It was a dreamy state of mind, definitely a fiction of my imagination, never a reality, but was it a dream or was it a thought? The other two colleague of mine showed up for work rather late, an hour late. I had no comments, I had no thoughts, I had no words to speak for I was numb, not feeling well at all. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, had it been I was sleepless the whole night, or was it the dinner that I ate? I was shivering occasionally during the night, vigorously too. But inside me I felt as if a fire had been lit inside of me, really hot, burning up. Albeit all of those symptoms I didn't take a day off from work for I was unsure about my condition. I had no fever, yet I felt that something was wrong inside me.

Oh, how I do love the morning rain. A beautiful and yet ordinary form of simplicity. A soul-searching and thought provoking instigator to me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

.....And Now Fridays Seem To Never Come

Well, back to normal after lunch time, feeling back in my depressed mode. Funny thing is I feel so restless today. It's as if I've taken too many drugs.

Some Days, Mondays Are Harder to Find

This morning despite yesterday's sadness ran from morning all the way till the evenings, I woke up feeling the direct opposite as I did yesterday. I couldn't explain why the sudden urge to be cheerful since my mornings usually encompass a grouchy or melancholic setting. There wasn't any reason to be cheerful this early anyway.

Came to work this morning and the oddest and strangest situation greeted me. I walked into the cafeteria as usual to get my morning dose of coffee and to my surprise, all around the cafeteria were a group of rowdy looking bunch sitting around trying to figure out how to fill in the employment forms with 2 of HR/Admin department staffs explaining to some of them. It was as if the company has decided to hire some people to start a gang fight. One guy really looked the part as if he's ready to rob a store when he put on his head gear. Interesting morning indeed. I couldn't stop laughing when the sight of this caught my eye.

Still couldn't understand my cheerfulness today. Due to the fact of my cheerfulness, I was greeted by almost everybody as I sport a smile on my face today.

Interestingly enough, yesterday should leave me cheerful with me starting as a confirmed staff as of yesterday. But despite the surprisingly high score (5 more points and I would be rated as outstanding, the highest rate) and the thought of being permanent at a job that rarely requires much from me, I still feel a pinch of sadness overcoming my supposed joy, surpassing it in every way. Maybe it's because I'm known to move from job to jobs that saddens me, or maybe it's because I'm feeling the mundaneness of work, or maybe I just plain feel sad.

Whatever is controlling my feelings it sure is funny that I tend to not feel what I'm suppose to feel. Maybe I've gone crazy.....again.