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Friday, January 20, 2006

What Happened?

Recently, looking back at my blogs, I find myself drifting more and more towards the negative part of life and instead of making my blog into something interesting which I intended to in the first place, I have made a very bleak and dark blog!

Most of my posts revolves around the rage and violence that's boiling inside of me. I could blame stress. I could blame past experiences or just say that's the way I am. Heck, I could blame anything under the sun but that just won't change the fact that I'm in a position that I wanted to avoid and feeling myself succumbing to it more and more. Let's see what I can do about it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Lilium

Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam
Et lingua eius loquetur iudicium (Psalmi 36:30)
Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem
Quoniam cum probatus fuerit accipiet coronam vitae (Iacobi 1:12)
{Kyrie, fons bonitatis}
Kyrie, Ignis Divine, Eleison
{O quam sancta, quam serena, quam benigna
Quam amoena esse virgo creditur.}
O quam sancta, quam serena, quam benigna
Quam amoena O castitatis lilium

Translation:
The mouth of the Just shall meditate wisdom
And his tongue shall speak judgement (Psalm 37:30)
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation
For when he hath been proved he shall receive a crown of life (James 1:12)
{Lord, fountain of holiness}
Lord, Fire Divine, have mercy
{O how holy, how serene, how benign
How pleasant, is this virgin who believeth!}
O how holy, how calm, how benign
How pleasant, O lily of purity

Monday, January 16, 2006

Theory About Bloodlust

In recent times I have been severely struggling with my urge to start fights and to stop my homicidal thoughts. I have discovered in my times of darkness the relation of hunger and bloodlust.

It's actually true that if a person is hungering would be more prone to violence than a person who had a full stomach. I discovered this when I find myself a sense of calmness coming over me (although not enough to diffuse my anger) right after I had eaten a meal. I guess the logical explanation for this would be because the person had satisfied one of his/her needs. The more you satisfy a need, the less violent you would be. I never understood this theory during my past experience because I have not felt hunger when I was young. I can go on a day without food and yet would still find myself feeling okay, not hungry at all.

This year, I started to eat regular meals, when I first started my current job. Breakfast was a must to eat, lunch must also be eaten, and dinner I tried to stick to a schedule to eat. After going through such a process, I find myself beginning to feel the need to eat. I find myself starting to feel hungry. And now I can't go on through the day without eating breakfast if I were to wake up early.

Another day, another new experience.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Will I Return To My Roots?

Recently, my emotions are hard to be contained. I have no idea why I'm getting the frustration to vent my anger about. So far I'm keeping under control so as to not start an outburst again. I hope I will not fall into the condition I was in last time. I fell into depression before and that merely paves the way for inactivity. Aside from going to work and occasionally going out to eat, I was inactive whenever I'm at home. I would start sleeping the whole day and night away as if winter had arrived and I was hibernating. At times I would even skipped some of my meals and would just continue sleeping my life away.

Another previous state that I would like to avoid being in would be the time when I had no more fear in me. Being an upset enraged student I looked for opportunities to pick fights. I didn't care about whether I'll be able to win or lose a fight I just wanted to vent my frustration. I used to practice by punching walls and at that time my fist got so tough that I usually retaliate punches by punching their fists! Of course more often than not I don't get any real fights to startat all. Being small size and all many people tend to shy away from fighting with me because their afraid of being called a bully.

I sure wish I was a robot now. A tool that can feel no emotions and would just do what it's commanded to do. I wonder, if a robot starts to develop feelings but still has robot characteristics, would it be categorized as a human-like robot? How far will it be till a robot be categorized as a human? This brings back to mind the Steven Spielberg film, "Artificial Intelligence".

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Incredibly Emotional

Just the other day whilst coming home from work, I did the unthinkable. On my way home during rush hour I was having one of my mixed-up emotions running high and for some reason I just felt like starting a fight. I don't know why I feel enraged over nothing but I just felt that way. So while walking to the bus stop there was a mean looking guy walking towards me from the opposite direction. Not being able to control myself, I started to quicken my pace and was wanting to collide with the person. However, at the last moment, this guy managed to avoid me colliding with him. I was impress on how he managed to dodge me. Oh well, guess it was a good thing he did so. Otherwise, either him or me will end up falling to the floor.