Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mid-Life Crisis?

I'm wondering whether am I going through a mid-life crisis already since my emotions have been pretty unstable and I feel like I have no control over them at all. Sometimes my emotions seem to contradict with my facial expressions too. Sometimes although I feel sad, I will be laughing away like a stupid fool and joking around with witty comments. I have no idea why I do such things since it's not my nature to do such a thing. Usually I'm the quiet type but why this cheerful bantering around and what's with the witty comments and jokes. I practically take the spotlight from a group of friends which I have never done that before.

Other uncontrollable emotion of mine would be my suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Somehow, for the past few months I've been struggling really hard to cope with an excessive rage boiling within me. So far, I've been able to control them without blowing my top over other people. I still manage to contain the anger within myself but I feel as if I'm losing control and day after day it's been really bleak. Suicidal thoughts are a norm for me since I've always imagined of suicidal thoughts on a daily basis ever since I was 15. So suicidal thoughts never concern me because I know I wouldn't commit suicide no matter how badly I feel the wish to do so. In fact, it's one of the things that helps me to sleep at night during my battle with imsomnia. But what I'm concern about would be my homicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt anybody, but how long can I suppress this feeling? It's gotten so bad that every day during rush hour, I would imagine homicidal thoughts. And to top it all off, everything that I see, I would be imagining it on how I would use it as a weapon to decapitate a person.

I know it's sick, but that's how I feel. And I don't even know what was the cause of it. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis. I know I haven't reach the age yet but maybe due to way too much time thinking, my mind has matured up to that age. I don't know. I just hope that my feelings don't overwhelm me to the point of causing me serious trouble.