Monday, February 27, 2006

A Rainy Sunday Morning

I love the rain. A lot of people hate it when it rains because it inhibits them from carrying on their normal lives without getting wet. I on the other hand love it. Especially when it rains in the morning. Not a really heavy thunderstorm, but mediocre showers without the lightning flashing forth and the thunder rumbling away. I love it because it brings me a sense of calmness and comfort in me. It provides me solace. It wouldn't instill anger in me. In fact, should I feel angry about something, when it showers to the ground, it quells my anger and turns it into sorrow. It's as if the heaven's are crying with me.

Unfortunately, the rain does have it's drawbacks on my feelings. I tend to be sorrowful when it rains. The feelings of suicide heightens to ten times than I normally would feel. That's why I love the morning rain, it makes me feel tired of life and would be easy for me to drop back into bed and doze off. Every morning when I wake up, I always feel tired of getting on in life and always feel how good it would be to sleep and never to wake up again. But I never do doze off again and eventually had to wake up. But when it rains, it's a whole new different story. I can manage to go back to bed again.

Funny thing about the rain is that when I was younger, the rain always coincides with my feelings. Everytime when I'm feeling sad, it always rains. Of course, sometimes when I'm feeling sad it doesn't rain but it's always the case that when it's raining, chances are I'm sad. Now, though, it's the other way round in the sense that when it rains, then I start to feel down. And another funny thing about the rain is, when I was younger it's as if God was looking out for me so that I will not be wet. During my college years, I have always wondered why is it that when it's about to rain it will not rain until I get to some shelter. And it also happened many times that once I reached home, it started pouring. I was not the only one wondering about this, my friend Peter asked me the same question. He said God must be with me and liked me very much because everytime he sends me home on the bike, when it's about to rain, and when I reach home, about one or two minutes later it would start to pour and he would be soaking wet while I'm dry as a whistle at home. Well, now the situation has changed. Everytime I forgot to bring an umbrella, it would start to rain and I would be stuck.

I guess all good things must come to an end, and for everything I've received had a reverse effect now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Mandarin Flop

I've always been fascinated with languages ever since I was a little boy. I got intrigued with languages when I started to know about Indiana Jones. "Knowing a whole bunch of languages and communicating with the locals would be a thrilling experience," I thought to myself. So I have always tried ways to learn some simple phrases of another language.

For some reason, as a child, I shy away from the languages that Malaysians speak. I do not have the desire to learn Tamil to speak to the locals nor do I have a liking for speaking Malay. Mandarin was suppose to be a must because I'm Chinese and it's embarrassing when people say to me, "What you're Chinese and you can't speak Mandarin? You're a disgrace!" But somehow I just avoided learning it.

Both of my parents can't speak Mandarin so I can't learn from them. So they sent me to a Mandarin kindergarten. It was a major flop. They spoke and taught in Mandarin and I have no idea what any of the teacher is saying when they do so. I always get a big zero in my Mandarin kindergarten test except for English though. I was the top student in English in my kindergaren and each and every test I would surely get a 100% correct. Primary school came and it wasn't until standard three (equivalent to eight years old then) that they made it compulsory to take Mandarin classes if you're Chinese in the Malay primary school.

Unfortunately due to almost zero knowledge on Mandarin, I had no idea what on earth the teacher was saying even though we had textbooks that had Pin Yin on it. I finally gave up Mandarin when one day I felt insulted by the strict Mandarin teacher. He asked me what is my name in Mandarin and I had no idea what was he saying. He asked again. No idea what he was saying. He hollered in Mandarin "Name, name, your name. What is your name?!!?" Still puzzled, I repeated name in Mandarin. Then he started to scold me in Mandarin saying, "What, you don't even know your own name?"

And that was the end of my needing to learn Mandarin. When I got home, I told my father that I do not want to take the Mandarin class anymore. So My father spoke to my teacher and that was the end of my Mandarin classes. I was not alone however. Pretty soon, some other guys had manage to get permission to stop their Mandarin classes too. So everytime Mandarin classes were on, the few of us would be at the school field playing the time away.

Then came a time when it was after my high school that I've decided to pick up Mandarin again. Unfortunately, at such a late time, it was no longer easy nor was it that simple for me to pick it up. I didn't take a class or anything just tried to learn by myself. I manage to pick up some words since it was very similar to the Cantonese equivalent. I tried to pick up by watching Chinese shows and news. My Mandarin improved a little when I was down in Johor Bahru visiting two of my friends who were studying in university there. In Johor Bahru, everybody around speaks Mandarin so I was force to speak some and to be around people who speaks Mandarin.

Now finally, although I'm still really weak in my Mandarin, but at least I have managed to improve to the point where I can understand what a person is trying to say to me most of the time. I'm still trying to learn lots of languages but time is always of the essence. At least I can say I know Japanese now. :P

Friday, February 17, 2006

A Grouchy Morning

Today is by far the worst morning I have ever experienced in my life. As usual woke up to the sound of my alarm and when I went to switch on the lights, *boom* an explosion was heard and the lights aren't working anymore. Turns out to be a fused at the fuse box. Hope my housemate will fix it when I reach home today.

When I came out of my room just woken up and haven't even freshen up yet, I was greeted by my housemate's constant nagging about what is the problem, what is the problem. When he mentioned that it looks like one of the fuse switch is not working I said I don't know. I'm not so sure about it. But he has to insist that he's right. So while he went to get his tools to confirm it, I went into my room to freshen up as that commotion has already wasted my time to get ready for work. Just as I was about to brush my teeth, my housemate just had to call me out of my room just to prove his point that he was right. As he was proving his point, I suddenly got very heated and started to imagine homicidal thoughts in me. This has never happened before. I have never woken up angry in my life but today was really exceptional. Waking up angry makes me feel less in control of my emotions than when I feel tired.

What a morning to start my day, anger for breakfast. One day, I think I will snapped. I'm predicting that the time will come.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mid-Life Crisis?

I'm wondering whether am I going through a mid-life crisis already since my emotions have been pretty unstable and I feel like I have no control over them at all. Sometimes my emotions seem to contradict with my facial expressions too. Sometimes although I feel sad, I will be laughing away like a stupid fool and joking around with witty comments. I have no idea why I do such things since it's not my nature to do such a thing. Usually I'm the quiet type but why this cheerful bantering around and what's with the witty comments and jokes. I practically take the spotlight from a group of friends which I have never done that before.

Other uncontrollable emotion of mine would be my suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Somehow, for the past few months I've been struggling really hard to cope with an excessive rage boiling within me. So far, I've been able to control them without blowing my top over other people. I still manage to contain the anger within myself but I feel as if I'm losing control and day after day it's been really bleak. Suicidal thoughts are a norm for me since I've always imagined of suicidal thoughts on a daily basis ever since I was 15. So suicidal thoughts never concern me because I know I wouldn't commit suicide no matter how badly I feel the wish to do so. In fact, it's one of the things that helps me to sleep at night during my battle with imsomnia. But what I'm concern about would be my homicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt anybody, but how long can I suppress this feeling? It's gotten so bad that every day during rush hour, I would imagine homicidal thoughts. And to top it all off, everything that I see, I would be imagining it on how I would use it as a weapon to decapitate a person.

I know it's sick, but that's how I feel. And I don't even know what was the cause of it. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis. I know I haven't reach the age yet but maybe due to way too much time thinking, my mind has matured up to that age. I don't know. I just hope that my feelings don't overwhelm me to the point of causing me serious trouble.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

What a Day, What a Day

It all started out with two of my housemates moving out of my place. One (who is a Japanese guy) set to head for home before moving to Australia while the other was gonna freeload off another friend. Then came my new tenant, just as I was about to turn in to sleep. The new tenant (whose a German guy) was going on and on and on with millions of questions, more than I can handle. I grew very tired and tried my best to remain pleasant to him but was shock of his energy to continue his questions even though he's very tired and suffering from jet lag. He continued his questions for about 2 hours before I finally gave up and told him "Right now, I think you need to get some rest first. Anything else that you wanna know about please ask Leonard (the one who brought him here) and then consult with me." And I finally got to go to bed.

Unfortunately, for the whole night for some reason I just couldn't sleep well. I was tossing and turning and getting up from my bed, and laying back down on my bed till it was time to wake up. I arrived at my workplace finding it with tons of problems to be rectified with an already tired condition. Mostly running up and down between levels. I finally stopped for awhile to fix a printer problem at the basement one level at the counter. I notice a girl who was trying to search for a book title but because of a funny technical problem, you can't continue searching after the results are displayed. It will only prompt out form processed and nothing happens. The only way to do another search is to go back to the search page without the results in it. So I approached her and tutored her on how to search for it.

It all was as normal, until that girl came to me and ask a question. Question answered. Then comes the horrific part. She came back after awhile and said to me to help her find a particular book. So that's what I tried to do but of course due to the book not being in it's designated place, I couldn't find it too. And she starts pestering and pestering about it, and said "Well, maybe it's downstairs." So I said that would be highly unlikely but she could try to look for it downstairs. Instead of going herself, she dragged me along saying "Let's go!" So there I was helping her to look for her book at basement two now and of course it wasn't there. Then she said she wanted to photocopy some books and I said sure go ahead, it's self-service. But she just wouldn't let me go. She keeps saying how do I work this thing. Then I helped her in photocopying. I snuck up for awhile but had to go back down after awhile to rectify a problem there. When she spotted me, she said, her photocopy card is out of credit and want to use the other photocopy machine. And I said to her, "Be my guest, it's self-service," Then she starts with the how do I work this thing again and I had to help her out abit.

What a nightmare! People looking at us thought we were close friends. I hope no one got the impression of us being lovers. The library staffs whom I asked to help her so I could get away were reluctant to do so. And all of them asked me, "Who's that." And I said I dunno. How did I ever got into that mess in the first place. I knew library users were more friendlier to me than the library staffs are to me but this is ridiculous.