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Monday, December 04, 2006

My Survival

It's happened. It's finally happened. I have survived the first month of my new job.

Looking back through the years, I once thought to myself "Will I ever be able to find a good permanent job." At that stage, I was dabbling in my very own things while making a profit out of it such as, painting houses, repairing computers and even started to give tuition. Then later on I managed to find a part time job as a shop assistant in a cybercafe nearby the place where I rented a room and enjoyed myself with a holiday before I started embarking my quest again to obtain a job.

The next job that I manage to get was also a part time job at an IT company, processing checks for a bank that outsourced to that company. I worked as hard as I could in that company because I always keep in my mind the Bible's word of "doing all things for god's glory." I worked so hard at it that all of the new staff that comes in for training would recommend me to apply for a permanent position in the company. I refused all of their suggestions thinking to myself that I do not want to be tied down to this job as it requires the permanent staff to work until a very late hour should the volume of the check is high due to the lateness in starting the work.

One day, somebody convinced me to go for the permanent position in the company. The culprit: the person who got me the job in the first place. I fell for her reasoning of applying for the job and perhaps you can apply for an IT position later on. And so I did apply for the job and got hired real quick but with a lot of commotion on whether I should have been given such a high position in the company. Anyway, that's another story.

Right now, I believe that I am blessed with this job which is by far the most carefree job I have ever had. Certainly does remind me of ask and it shall be given to you. I wonder how long I can keep this job?

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Making A Comeback

Ha. After so long I haven't done any blogging, I noticed a few new things on my blog. I was greeted with the usual sign-in things but now was with the google account.

In addition to that, I find a refreshing sight on my blog, a new comment. I was thinking that it was my usual friend who comments on my blog but it says there sis. Which sis is this I wonder. Is it my real sis or other kind of sis? Anyway, I just have the urge to start blogging again. The fuel was added to the fire when I read my previous posts. I'll see how it'll go again.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A Sense of Belonging

I've managed to survived driving to work for 2 days now. Frankly speaking, I am starting to head towards one of my greatest fear. Getting addicted to driving when I'm still kind of a reckless driver.

I don't know why, I always have the urge to drive a little faster. If I drive slowly, I feel kind of bored and feel tired of driving. When I was driving from my hometown (Ipoh) back to the big city of Petaling Jaya/Kuala Lumpur, there was a time on the road that I felt so bored, I just don't feel like driving and my father was complaining away at the passenger side on what am I doing and concentrate on my driving.

Well, just as I have expected that having an auto car feel's like I'm driving one of those bumper cars that I used to drive at funfairs. When I was young, I used to drive the bumper cars not to bump people, but to avoid getting bumped. I know it's strange, but I just don't like the bumping feeling and was superb in avoiding being bumped at.

Anyway, I'm still sick of working. I just feel like I wanna drive all day or sleep my days away. Alas, work still beckons me. Still trying to establish my own business but had no idea still on what to do and have no idea how to establish it. Maybe I should just quit my job, get one in Ipoh and start staying with my parents again. I'm feeling rather bored living in the big city. I just don't feel I belong here anymore. Oh well, only time will reveal the outcome of my precarious journey through life.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Point of No Return

Here forth, I am barricaded with the mountain of responsibility. What am I babbling about? The turning of my life (again). So far things that I always do has avoided big responsibility. But from now onwards, it's going to be an uphill battle.

A car. I've bought a car. And I have no idea on how to go about operating it without killing myself. Of course I have a driver's license, but it is now time for the added responsibility of handling my funds as well as the division of my attention to focus on the task at hand. No more daydreaming riding in cars anymore or I might end up taking a wrong turn somewhere.

In addition to the car, I'm looking to purchase my own apartment. Sure it might seem a little overwhelming in the responsibility side but I just feel the need to get my own place at this point in life. I can't explain why I feel such insane feelings but for some reason I just want to move towards that phase in my life somehow. I know things are pretty hectic and I'm pushing a lot of big changes into my life all too fast and too soon, but I just feel the urge to do it. And I just can't control my unguided feelings anymore. No amount of rational reasoning is able to convince or quell this once undesired feeling in me anymore. It's just the get up and do kind of thing for me.

As if the feeling of needing to spend big money wasn't enough, I somehow feel the need to set up my own business now. I'm just sick and tired of working for somebody. I feel the need to be free. Currently, I have no idea on what kind of business that I wanna be involved in, but I have budgetted enough to carry out this plan.

Still as confused as ever, I don't know why such a drastic change in my approach towards life, but I know one things for sure, my feelings tend to overpower my reasonings and my thoughts. I no longer can control the wildness of emotions anymore. So much for a lifetime struggle.

Monday, February 27, 2006

A Rainy Sunday Morning

I love the rain. A lot of people hate it when it rains because it inhibits them from carrying on their normal lives without getting wet. I on the other hand love it. Especially when it rains in the morning. Not a really heavy thunderstorm, but mediocre showers without the lightning flashing forth and the thunder rumbling away. I love it because it brings me a sense of calmness and comfort in me. It provides me solace. It wouldn't instill anger in me. In fact, should I feel angry about something, when it showers to the ground, it quells my anger and turns it into sorrow. It's as if the heaven's are crying with me.

Unfortunately, the rain does have it's drawbacks on my feelings. I tend to be sorrowful when it rains. The feelings of suicide heightens to ten times than I normally would feel. That's why I love the morning rain, it makes me feel tired of life and would be easy for me to drop back into bed and doze off. Every morning when I wake up, I always feel tired of getting on in life and always feel how good it would be to sleep and never to wake up again. But I never do doze off again and eventually had to wake up. But when it rains, it's a whole new different story. I can manage to go back to bed again.

Funny thing about the rain is that when I was younger, the rain always coincides with my feelings. Everytime when I'm feeling sad, it always rains. Of course, sometimes when I'm feeling sad it doesn't rain but it's always the case that when it's raining, chances are I'm sad. Now, though, it's the other way round in the sense that when it rains, then I start to feel down. And another funny thing about the rain is, when I was younger it's as if God was looking out for me so that I will not be wet. During my college years, I have always wondered why is it that when it's about to rain it will not rain until I get to some shelter. And it also happened many times that once I reached home, it started pouring. I was not the only one wondering about this, my friend Peter asked me the same question. He said God must be with me and liked me very much because everytime he sends me home on the bike, when it's about to rain, and when I reach home, about one or two minutes later it would start to pour and he would be soaking wet while I'm dry as a whistle at home. Well, now the situation has changed. Everytime I forgot to bring an umbrella, it would start to rain and I would be stuck.

I guess all good things must come to an end, and for everything I've received had a reverse effect now.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Mandarin Flop

I've always been fascinated with languages ever since I was a little boy. I got intrigued with languages when I started to know about Indiana Jones. "Knowing a whole bunch of languages and communicating with the locals would be a thrilling experience," I thought to myself. So I have always tried ways to learn some simple phrases of another language.

For some reason, as a child, I shy away from the languages that Malaysians speak. I do not have the desire to learn Tamil to speak to the locals nor do I have a liking for speaking Malay. Mandarin was suppose to be a must because I'm Chinese and it's embarrassing when people say to me, "What you're Chinese and you can't speak Mandarin? You're a disgrace!" But somehow I just avoided learning it.

Both of my parents can't speak Mandarin so I can't learn from them. So they sent me to a Mandarin kindergarten. It was a major flop. They spoke and taught in Mandarin and I have no idea what any of the teacher is saying when they do so. I always get a big zero in my Mandarin kindergarten test except for English though. I was the top student in English in my kindergaren and each and every test I would surely get a 100% correct. Primary school came and it wasn't until standard three (equivalent to eight years old then) that they made it compulsory to take Mandarin classes if you're Chinese in the Malay primary school.

Unfortunately due to almost zero knowledge on Mandarin, I had no idea what on earth the teacher was saying even though we had textbooks that had Pin Yin on it. I finally gave up Mandarin when one day I felt insulted by the strict Mandarin teacher. He asked me what is my name in Mandarin and I had no idea what was he saying. He asked again. No idea what he was saying. He hollered in Mandarin "Name, name, your name. What is your name?!!?" Still puzzled, I repeated name in Mandarin. Then he started to scold me in Mandarin saying, "What, you don't even know your own name?"

And that was the end of my needing to learn Mandarin. When I got home, I told my father that I do not want to take the Mandarin class anymore. So My father spoke to my teacher and that was the end of my Mandarin classes. I was not alone however. Pretty soon, some other guys had manage to get permission to stop their Mandarin classes too. So everytime Mandarin classes were on, the few of us would be at the school field playing the time away.

Then came a time when it was after my high school that I've decided to pick up Mandarin again. Unfortunately, at such a late time, it was no longer easy nor was it that simple for me to pick it up. I didn't take a class or anything just tried to learn by myself. I manage to pick up some words since it was very similar to the Cantonese equivalent. I tried to pick up by watching Chinese shows and news. My Mandarin improved a little when I was down in Johor Bahru visiting two of my friends who were studying in university there. In Johor Bahru, everybody around speaks Mandarin so I was force to speak some and to be around people who speaks Mandarin.

Now finally, although I'm still really weak in my Mandarin, but at least I have managed to improve to the point where I can understand what a person is trying to say to me most of the time. I'm still trying to learn lots of languages but time is always of the essence. At least I can say I know Japanese now. :P

Friday, February 17, 2006

A Grouchy Morning

Today is by far the worst morning I have ever experienced in my life. As usual woke up to the sound of my alarm and when I went to switch on the lights, *boom* an explosion was heard and the lights aren't working anymore. Turns out to be a fused at the fuse box. Hope my housemate will fix it when I reach home today.

When I came out of my room just woken up and haven't even freshen up yet, I was greeted by my housemate's constant nagging about what is the problem, what is the problem. When he mentioned that it looks like one of the fuse switch is not working I said I don't know. I'm not so sure about it. But he has to insist that he's right. So while he went to get his tools to confirm it, I went into my room to freshen up as that commotion has already wasted my time to get ready for work. Just as I was about to brush my teeth, my housemate just had to call me out of my room just to prove his point that he was right. As he was proving his point, I suddenly got very heated and started to imagine homicidal thoughts in me. This has never happened before. I have never woken up angry in my life but today was really exceptional. Waking up angry makes me feel less in control of my emotions than when I feel tired.

What a morning to start my day, anger for breakfast. One day, I think I will snapped. I'm predicting that the time will come.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mid-Life Crisis?

I'm wondering whether am I going through a mid-life crisis already since my emotions have been pretty unstable and I feel like I have no control over them at all. Sometimes my emotions seem to contradict with my facial expressions too. Sometimes although I feel sad, I will be laughing away like a stupid fool and joking around with witty comments. I have no idea why I do such things since it's not my nature to do such a thing. Usually I'm the quiet type but why this cheerful bantering around and what's with the witty comments and jokes. I practically take the spotlight from a group of friends which I have never done that before.

Other uncontrollable emotion of mine would be my suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Somehow, for the past few months I've been struggling really hard to cope with an excessive rage boiling within me. So far, I've been able to control them without blowing my top over other people. I still manage to contain the anger within myself but I feel as if I'm losing control and day after day it's been really bleak. Suicidal thoughts are a norm for me since I've always imagined of suicidal thoughts on a daily basis ever since I was 15. So suicidal thoughts never concern me because I know I wouldn't commit suicide no matter how badly I feel the wish to do so. In fact, it's one of the things that helps me to sleep at night during my battle with imsomnia. But what I'm concern about would be my homicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt anybody, but how long can I suppress this feeling? It's gotten so bad that every day during rush hour, I would imagine homicidal thoughts. And to top it all off, everything that I see, I would be imagining it on how I would use it as a weapon to decapitate a person.

I know it's sick, but that's how I feel. And I don't even know what was the cause of it. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis. I know I haven't reach the age yet but maybe due to way too much time thinking, my mind has matured up to that age. I don't know. I just hope that my feelings don't overwhelm me to the point of causing me serious trouble.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

What a Day, What a Day


It all started out with two of my housemates moving out of my place. One (who is a Japanese guy) set to head for home before moving to Australia while the other was gonna freeload off another friend. Then came my new tenant, just as I was about to turn in to sleep. The new tenant (whose a German guy) was going on and on and on with millions of questions, more than I can handle. I grew very tired and tried my best to remain pleasant to him but was shock of his energy to continue his questions even though he's very tired and suffering from jet lag. He continued his questions for about 2 hours before I finally gave up and told him "Right now, I think you need to get some rest first. Anything else that you wanna know about please ask Leonard (the one who brought him here) and then consult with me." And I finally got to go to bed.

Unfortunately, for the whole night for some reason I just couldn't sleep well. I was tossing and turning and getting up from my bed, and laying back down on my bed till it was time to wake up. I arrived at my workplace finding it with tons of problems to be rectified with an already tired condition. Mostly running up and down between levels. I finally stopped for awhile to fix a printer problem at the basement one level at the counter. I notice a girl who was trying to search for a book title but because of a funny technical problem, you can't continue searching after the results are displayed. It will only prompt out form processed and nothing happens. The only way to do another search is to go back to the search page without the results in it. So I approached her and tutored her on how to search for it.

It all was as normal, until that girl came to me and ask a question. Question answered. Then comes the horrific part. She came back after awhile and said to me to help her find a particular book. So that's what I tried to do but of course due to the book not being in it's designated place, I couldn't find it too. And she starts pestering and pestering about it, and said "Well, maybe it's downstairs." So I said that would be highly unlikely but she could try to look for it downstairs. Instead of going herself, she dragged me along saying "Let's go!" So there I was helping her to look for her book at basement two now and of course it wasn't there. Then she said she wanted to photocopy some books and I said sure go ahead, it's self-service. But she just wouldn't let me go. She keeps saying how do I work this thing. Then I helped her in photocopying. I snuck up for awhile but had to go back down after awhile to rectify a problem there. When she spotted me, she said, her photocopy card is out of credit and want to use the other photocopy machine. And I said to her, "Be my guest, it's self-service," Then she starts with the how do I work this thing again and I had to help her out abit.

What a nightmare! People looking at us thought we were close friends. I hope no one got the impression of us being lovers. The library staffs whom I asked to help her so I could get away were reluctant to do so. And all of them asked me, "Who's that." And I said I dunno. How did I ever got into that mess in the first place. I knew library users were more friendlier to me than the library staffs are to me but this is ridiculous.

Friday, January 20, 2006

What Happened?

Recently, looking back at my blogs, I find myself drifting more and more towards the negative part of life and instead of making my blog into something interesting which I intended to in the first place, I have made a very bleak and dark blog!

Most of my posts revolves around the rage and violence that's boiling inside of me. I could blame stress. I could blame past experiences or just say that's the way I am. Heck, I could blame anything under the sun but that just won't change the fact that I'm in a position that I wanted to avoid and feeling myself succumbing to it more and more. Let's see what I can do about it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Lilium

Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam
Et lingua eius loquetur iudicium (Psalmi 36:30)
Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem
Quoniam cum probatus fuerit accipiet coronam vitae (Iacobi 1:12)
{Kyrie, fons bonitatis}
Kyrie, Ignis Divine, Eleison
{O quam sancta, quam serena, quam benigna
Quam amoena esse virgo creditur.}
O quam sancta, quam serena, quam benigna
Quam amoena O castitatis lilium

Translation:
The mouth of the Just shall meditate wisdom
And his tongue shall speak judgement (Psalm 37:30)
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation
For when he hath been proved he shall receive a crown of life (James 1:12)
{Lord, fountain of holiness}
Lord, Fire Divine, have mercy
{O how holy, how serene, how benign
How pleasant, is this virgin who believeth!}
O how holy, how calm, how benign
How pleasant, O lily of purity

Monday, January 16, 2006

Theory About Bloodlust

In recent times I have been severely struggling with my urge to start fights and to stop my homicidal thoughts. I have discovered in my times of darkness the relation of hunger and bloodlust.

It's actually true that if a person is hungering would be more prone to violence than a person who had a full stomach. I discovered this when I find myself a sense of calmness coming over me (although not enough to diffuse my anger) right after I had eaten a meal. I guess the logical explanation for this would be because the person had satisfied one of his/her needs. The more you satisfy a need, the less violent you would be. I never understood this theory during my past experience because I have not felt hunger when I was young. I can go on a day without food and yet would still find myself feeling okay, not hungry at all.

This year, I started to eat regular meals, when I first started my current job. Breakfast was a must to eat, lunch must also be eaten, and dinner I tried to stick to a schedule to eat. After going through such a process, I find myself beginning to feel the need to eat. I find myself starting to feel hungry. And now I can't go on through the day without eating breakfast if I were to wake up early.

Another day, another new experience.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Will I Return To My Roots?

Recently, my emotions are hard to be contained. I have no idea why I'm getting the frustration to vent my anger about. So far I'm keeping under control so as to not start an outburst again. I hope I will not fall into the condition I was in last time. I fell into depression before and that merely paves the way for inactivity. Aside from going to work and occasionally going out to eat, I was inactive whenever I'm at home. I would start sleeping the whole day and night away as if winter had arrived and I was hibernating. At times I would even skipped some of my meals and would just continue sleeping my life away.

Another previous state that I would like to avoid being in would be the time when I had no more fear in me. Being an upset enraged student I looked for opportunities to pick fights. I didn't care about whether I'll be able to win or lose a fight I just wanted to vent my frustration. I used to practice by punching walls and at that time my fist got so tough that I usually retaliate punches by punching their fists! Of course more often than not I don't get any real fights to startat all. Being small size and all many people tend to shy away from fighting with me because their afraid of being called a bully.

I sure wish I was a robot now. A tool that can feel no emotions and would just do what it's commanded to do. I wonder, if a robot starts to develop feelings but still has robot characteristics, would it be categorized as a human-like robot? How far will it be till a robot be categorized as a human? This brings back to mind the Steven Spielberg film, "Artificial Intelligence".

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Incredibly Emotional

Just the other day whilst coming home from work, I did the unthinkable. On my way home during rush hour I was having one of my mixed-up emotions running high and for some reason I just felt like starting a fight. I don't know why I feel enraged over nothing but I just felt that way. So while walking to the bus stop there was a mean looking guy walking towards me from the opposite direction. Not being able to control myself, I started to quicken my pace and was wanting to collide with the person. However, at the last moment, this guy managed to avoid me colliding with him. I was impress on how he managed to dodge me. Oh well, guess it was a good thing he did so. Otherwise, either him or me will end up falling to the floor.